That was the realization that finally hit me after a life-changing event of the birth of my son on July 20, 2019 almost 3 months ago. It was an indescribable feeling of knowing that you were actually in charge of giving birth to a human being that would rely on you in a way that you haven’t been relied on before. In the wee hours of the night the subsequent two nights after the birth of Emerson in the hospital, I would wonder what an accomplishment this was and how hard labor was. Granted it was not as hard and long as other pregnancies and labors that I’ve heard of and my labor and delivery was give and take 27 hours- but i had no epidural and that by itself is quite an accomplishment. I was up the next 48 hours with jagged sleep just thinking what this would all mean. I was responsible for this little beautiful cute little baby boy! He is mine. I made him.
These feelings were reconfirmed of its importance by my mom in the first week that I went back to her home to spend the month to recover. She said that work can wait but Emerson was all I had and i was in charge of feeding, cleaning, taking care of him to the best of my ability and i’m all he has (besides from dad). This is a momentous time since I never before thought to have another person so reliant on me. I was also not ready to face motherhood since baby came early, and I didn’t anticipate feeling a bit of trepidation in this new stage of life.
From that moment on, whenever I did things for myself I would also think of my son too- was he going to be ok if i went to the gym? Can i run to the bathroom quickly and will he be ok? Can I go to work without feeling guilty that I’m leaving him behind? These thoughts and worries would subside as the months went on- as I relied more on my husband and the nanny and as I settled down to become a new mother who can relax after all. The whole point is that I could no longer just think of myself and think of what motherhood would mean in the long-term. There is overwhelming joy, so much change and a little person that I loved with all my heart, with a love so unimaginable, special, overwhelming.
From playtime, to feeding time, to his first smiles and non stop adorable expressions, I feel a love so overwhelmingly sweet and constant, that it is no wonder all women who has had the great fortune of being a mom say that it is a unique and one of a kind feeling that must be felt if one is fortunate and lucky enough. I do not doubt it anymore.
From all my reservations I’ve had all my life I had with motherhood has been dashed in the brief 3 months since Emerson has been born. Whatever I do now would be for him, first and foremost. He has become such an important priority.
I’ve always thought of myself as a selfish person -that was the reason why I didn’t want to have kids in the first place. It was all about my ambition, my success, my life, my travels, my desires. However, it is different now. Life is richer with my little boy and life will never be the same but for the better. I am so grateful since July 20th 2019 and I am looking forward to all the firsts that there will be with my little bundle of joy.
“Sometimes the littlest things take up the most room in your heart.”Â